How To Finally Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

The simple switch that turns comparison into progress.

We all compare. It is almost automatic.

But why do we do it? Why do we look at someone else who seems to be doing much better than us and use it as proof that we are behind?

We know almost nothing about their full picture. Usually a highlight, a small part of the whole picture. Yet we still hold our lives against that bit of them we see. And I am noticing we do it the most when we are not in the best situation or mood, which makes us feel even worse. When we are not feeling great, we tend to be harsher with ourselves.

Our brains look for reference points, and other people are the nearest ones in sight. It is so easy to start comparing ourselves to someone else if they are doing better than us. The problem is that we only ever see a part of their story. Often a highlight. The thing that looks good even though there can be a pile of mess hidden under the shiny surface. Notice how we do not tend to compare ourselves often to people who are worse off. Usually, we start comparing ourselves as we want to do better, therefore we look at those who we think are doing better. We subconsciously look for guidance. Has this also been pushed into our heads since childhood?

Comparison in childhood is common

I grew up in a home where I was constantly measured against others. My sister. My friends. The children of family friends. Pretty much everyone who somehow fit my age group. When I finally left, it felt freeing. But because I was brought up with constant comparison, I unintentionally carried it with me. It was not my own voice popping in my head to tell me that I am not doing well enough. It was the voices of those who used to constantly compare me that kept speaking to me and bringing it up. From time to time they still try to pull me into the old habit.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

It becomes hard to escape it…

When I was going through a pretty rough patch in my life in the second half of my twenties, I started reflecting more on this habit of comparison. Even today I still remember sitting in the office before the Christmas holidays, hearing everyone chatting about going home to spend time with their parents. My colleague asked me if I was heading home as well. I just shook my head and said no, I was staying in Prague. I left the conversation there because I did not even know what to say. I did not want to explain the whole thing, but it left me wondering what my colleague would think of me. Maybe that I was a bad daughter, that it was odd I was not going home when everyone else was, or maybe that I must have a complicated relationship with my family. That was the moment when it hit me. The problem with comparison.

I was not going home for Christmas that year. Nor for any of the following ones. My dad was gone and my mum was in a care home. I was taking care of my much younger sister, living in a rented flat and doing my best to create a home in that place without our parents. There was no home to go back to. And there I was feeling bad for not going home because everyone else did, and I felt as if I had failed. Honestly, what the hell!?

I was judging myself (quite unkindly) against others, even though our circumstances were completely different.

Most of the people in the office had no idea what was going on in my life, what hoops I had to jump, what struggles I had to deal with, how down and defeated I felt, but I did not show it. I could write probably ten pages about just a year of my life at that point. My colleagues saw me as a Head of HR, running around always organised, available, on top of things, smiling.

That realisation changed my perspective, not only on how I compare myself to others, but also on the assumptions I make about other people’s lives.

I did not want to compare myself to others any more.

Getting inspired by someone else’s life or success? That is good, a yes for me. But comparing myself to see how behind I am? Or not enough? That will be a hard pass. When I hear that voice whispering in my head: “Oh look, she is doing better than you. She is earning more than you, and she is even a couple of years younger. She has great ideas; yours suck.” I give myself a reality check.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

What do I know about the person I am trying to compare myself to? Usually almost nothing. I always remember that moment in the office. I do not know the person’s deepest struggle. I do not know their past. What situation, good or bad, they came from. I barely know their present. I see a tiny piece of a giant picture and then try to draw conclusions from it. Why would I run a race that is already rigged?

But why do we compare at all?

Because it is human. Our brains like reference points. When there is no clear measure, we scan for one. Other people become an easy benchmark.

Comparison can be beneficial. Seeing what is possible can give us a nudge, motivate or encourage us, expand our horizons. It can be a positive driving force when it inspires action that is beneficial for us.

The problem appears when comparison stops helping and starts hurting. If it beats us down, if it makes us feel small or doomed, it stops being useful information and starts to undermine us. In that moment, if we cannot nip it in the bud, reframe it into a me vs me comparison. It is the fairest test because we know the full context. We can reflect on our own progress and create a positive change.

This is how to do it

Look at your own timeline. Was yesterday better or worse? Or last week? Or last month? If so, why? What was different? With yourself, you have the full context. You know what costs your energy and what recharges you. You can reflect and give yourself constructive feedback because you know your values, beliefs, and what you have experienced throughout your life. You are aware of what is going on in your life and what you have been through. That is the point: a comparison that is based on a full story, realistic and actually useful. It allows you to find gaps, realise what is not working for you and what you might need instead for yourself, in your life and in your world. Not someone else’s.

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Actionable steps to take:

✔️Notice and recognise. Name it: “I am comparing.”

✔️Reality check: What do I actually know about them? I do not have the full picture. This is not a fair comparison. Stop. If helpful, say: “I am not being fair to myself.”

✨Healthier comparison:

✔️Me vs me: Was yesterday or last week better or worse and what influenced it?
(even 1% change counts)

✔️Constructive feedback: What can I do about it? What can I take from this? Implement if applicable

➕BONUS STEP:

✔️Get inspired: If you really like a specific thing about someone, it is fine to take inspiration. Use it to grow, not to bring yourself down.

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So, remember…

• Comparison is human, but it is not an objective truth. It is not a compass to follow.

• Our brains like reference points. Being inspired by others is okay; judging yourself harshly is not the way.

• Be fair and kind to yourself. Comparing yourself to someone else is not fair as you do not know the full story. But you can be sure it is not the same as yours.

• Looking at yourself from a day, week or a month ago is a better measure. Reflecting on your past self can provide you with constructive feedback—what drains you and what recharges you—and allows you to identify whether and what change you need to make in your life.

• Make choices that are realistic, considerate and useful. 🫶
  

Comparison is not the enemy. Misused comparison is. Look at other people for ideas and inspiration, to explore the options and directions, but do not measure yourself against them just to pick yourself apart. We all have our stories and struggles. Some people have easier lives, some harder. Some might have more luck and have things work out faster. That does not make their life automatically happier, better, or richer, even if it looks that way from the outside. Keep that in mind next time you feel like you are behind. Compare fairly: me today vs past me.

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